INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIP or MARRIAGE - 10 questions most people ask us.

The views expressed in the text below are based on my personal experience and cannot be used against me legally or in any judgement. If something offends you, there is an exhaustive record of entities that should not be blamed including, but not limited to, my family (including my partner´s family), partner, religion, employer, school, siblings, the Republic of our countries, the racists, the 702 blacks…

MY dear and darling friend, Lauren, asked me to write a little ´something´ on everything about interracial relationships. I have to mention that this was a task and a half because I still have no idea where to start but it shall be done, and it will be done well.

I´ll start with the top 10 questions I have been asked as a black South African lady with a white German man.

1.       How does your family feel about your partner´s race?

2.       Aren´t you worried about what people will say about your relationship?

3.       Why aren´t you with a black man?

4.       Where did you find your partner?

5.       Is he rich/wealthy? Is that why you´re with him?

6.       Will you help me find a white German man?

7.       Don´t you get frustrated not being able to express yourself in your home language, and speaking English all the time?

8.       Do people stare at you when you´re out together?

9.       Does he have a small D?

10.    Is he circumcised?

Some of these questions are obviously annoying as hell, and I would much rather not answer them because they are racist and based on a stereotype that we are taught, but ke HAPPY today and ke nale nako (I am happy and I have time) so I will indulge.

MY partner and I met on a random night, on a random beach, and on a random Island. He was initially meant to be a holiday fling that wore the same outfit all the time, but here we are now. I didn´t know anything about his economical status and I wasn´t interested (still not), I just knew I wanted to be with him because of how he made me feel, and because we got drunk together all the time, and still do – do you know how hard it is to meet someone that loves alcohol as much as you do??

Our skin colour honestly didn´t bother me and wasn´t a problem for neither one of us until we travelled through South Africa together. The first racist ``attack`` we had was at a bar in Marloth Park near the Kruger National Park, and the second was at Hout Bay night market in Cape Town. I grew up in a diverse family and community so my man being a white German was and will never be an issue. In actual fact, the first time my grandfather gave me his blessings to be with any man was with Christian, and he did that not because he´s white but because my grandfather met Christian and sees how supportive he is of my dreams and goals, and also how he makes me the happiest woman on Earth – if soulmates exist, then Christian is my soulmate and I never want to spend a day without him in my life, and I would still feel the same if he was a black African man, but he isn´t, and that won´t me love him any less.

Christian´s family has also been super loving and caring. We are not seen as an interracial couple but as a couple. One of the biggest worries his parents had was with the racial outbreak in East Germany, and they thought people on the streets wouldn´t be nice to me so they literally did all they could to protect me from harm and integrate me into the (West) Germany society. His parents still take me everywhere and I do just about everything with them.

One of the most frustrating things for both of us is not being able to fully express ourselves because of the language barriers – he is German and I am Xhosa that grew up in Mahikeng so I also speak seTswana with a twang (Yaas B!!). We´ve both had to compromise, and our families have compromised too by only speaking English. I am currently learning Deutsch and Christian will obviously have to learn isiXhosa, isiZulu and seTswana because there´s no ways I´ll be able to swear at him in English when he pisses me off a few years from now. Imagine saying `you are shitting right now´ instead of `uyanya ke manje` or ´o boa masipa´ - NO NO NO! There are also things that can be said in English but don´t have the same meaning as our mother tongues, so learning each other´s home languages is a definite thing. I would also love to integrate into the German society and understand everything they say as much he would love to comminute with everyone when we are at my home in Mahikeng or in Soweto.

Do people stare at us?? Well, ndim´hle (I am beautiful) fucked up so people are obviously going to stare (LOL). I honestly don´t know if people stare or not cause I never pay attention, but when they do, I´ll most likely assume they are staring because Christians lips are always the same as my lipstick – this man just can´t keep his lips away from mine, maybe ke jesitse ngwana batho korobela (maybe I put him under a love spell).

Does he have a small D and is he circumcised? This is a personal question no one should ever ask anyone, and I never got asked such silly question when I was dating black men.

Last but not least, being in an interracial partnership has opened me up to a whole different world I never knew existed. As most of my close friends and family know, I have had my fair share of abusive relationships. I had a different view of how relationships and marriages should be because we have somehow managed to make abusive relationships/marriages acceptable. I remember sharing my expectations with an ex and he straight up told me a man like that doesn´t exist. I looked around at all my friends that were either married or in serious and committed relationships, and convinced myself that the perfect partner does not exist and I´ll have to compromise myself and my happiness because people kept asking me ``ushada nini`` (when are you getting married), and telling me ``re emetse ngwana gago; go shota wena fela`` (we are waiting for you to have a child; you´re the only childless one amongst your peers). I met Christian and he changed all that. When I tell people that he is everything I asked God and the universe for in a life partner, I actually mean it! If you don´t believe me, ask my parents and read my diaries from years ago. I now know what love and being in a perfect partnership are because I have the perfect partner I was once told does not exist. 

Every morning I wake up to Christian´s bright blue eye staring at me, his pale hands on my face, a huge smile on his face and a good morning kiss from his tiny lips, and that is a constant remind of reality finally being better than my dreams, a constant reminder that I am loved by God and my ancestors.. and that is all I need in a world where racism is a problem and the colour of one´s skin is a defining factor to many social standards including the level of respect you will get from people.

P.S. I do not run a brothel or dating agency. If you want a German man, register yourself on Tinder and be great.